Jagged

I can hardly believe it has been a year since I started this experiment.

This blog.

Time really does fly.

A little over a year ago I went into this not knowing what to expect. Sharing pieces of my life and journey with family, friends, and people I barely know seems kinda odd at times. I'm more of the listening type. The wallflower. Perhaps I was just hoping to become...

open

transparent

understood

Perhaps I've made some progress in those things with the help of this blog, but I can't help but think about how guarded and edited and censored my posts really are. Being open and transparent are harder for me than I expected and even I don't understand me most of the time.

I don't understand why I have to be so sarcastic or condescending. I don't understand why I doubt my worth or importance so much.

I don't get it when I'm

petty

greedy

selfish

needy

rude

bitter

jealous

depressed

cold

I wish it wasn't so easy to keep listing my faults. I wish I didn't have so many. We're all broken though. In different degrees and different ways, but all broken nonetheless. We get tossed around by enemies, and worse yet by loved ones. Some of us are neglected while others are abused and in our brokenness, our jagged edges bruise and scrape and scar others.

So much has changed in the last year. So many amazing miracles and blessings and times of true and incredible joy. But, as much as it pains me to say it, so much hasn't changed though. I still have the same ups and downs and I'm still basically the same person. I feel like this has been a failed experiment. Not that I thought it was the answer to dynamically changing my life, but even as a piece of process, it is something I'm not sure I want to do anymore.

It is strange, I just finished trying to teach the weekly lessons about determination to the kids so they wouldn't quit when things get tough. But determination, as our virtue, is deciding it is worth it to finish what we've started. Maybe it is time to be finished.

Or maybe just finished for now.