Namesake

"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." ~John 3:16 NLT

A great man passed away yesterday and heart aches at the thought of it. I don't mourn his release from the pain he endured the last several days, weeks and even months. There is reason to feel great joy at his passing because of my faith in God and his promise for the future. The moments I will mourn are those that were lost. What a loss to not have the opportunity to visit with him more and play cards with him and laugh with him anymore. My daughter will miss the great opportunity to grow up with her great great grandfather in her life and to listen to his sea stories.

His memory lives on though and his name lives on as well. Our daughter carries it to honor him and remember him. So now I look forward to hearing the stories of his life through his family...my family. I look forward and smile at the thought of a time when I can tell Olivia McKay about her great great grandfather, David McKay.

Square Pie

As if in sequence with the seasons, the thoughts of how my life is changing have arrived. I see all these new opportunities and challenges ahead. I see new friendships blossoming and old friendships reemerging from a their long silence. The ever-evolving work environment brings new responsibilities and new frustrations. The pace of life in general has quickened. In church, a year of teaching and storytelling is screaming by and soon it will come to pause long enough for me to catch my breath and think about where I'll be next year.

Part of me wants to explore new areas of growth and part of me just wants to keep everything the same. I want to grow a family in the church and I want to recommit myself to my own biological family. My daughter is growing before my eyes and I have decisions to make that will affect both of us. I feel a tug from all directions and pressure on all sides. There are so many good things laid out in front of me, but trying to pick them all up will leave me fumbling and ultimately empty handed. The thing is, no one is pressuring me to do things or tugging me away from certain areas except me. I'm trying too hard to control my destiny. I'm trying too hard to get people to like me and I'm not trusting that those people I interact with actually care about me. There is too much clutter in my mind right now and I can't focus on the most important thing. I need to take my time more. I need to relax more. I need to let people come to me if they want to and I need to be okay with it when they don't. I need to let God shape my life, my whole life and I need to understand that the life God has planned, looks completely different from what I'd expect.

Who is my family?

In the sermon today, the relationship with fellow Christians was talked about and how we should treat one another...like family. As the pastor gave his examples of brotherly kindness and how we should do what a good family would do, I was forced to question whether I would do these things for my real family. I have begun to question the importance of family and what it means to be a family.

While my immediate family life is strong, my extended family for the most part is distant and in some cases unknown to me. I have never counted it as a loss not knowing my grandparents. I know that to some of you that is an incredible and heartbreaking statement, but one I have never met, one died before I can remember, one's toxic relationship with my mother caused a rift and the other just never seemed to care for me like you expect a grandmother should. I see how my mother dotes over her grandchildren and how she spoils them with love and praise as every grandmother has a right to do.

Although I still struggle in every part of my life, strengthening my family bonds seems like an important piece to focus on right now. I am not even sure what that means, but it is a journey I don't have to take alone.