Worth It

My wife is amazing. She is so strong and beautiful, but she is so much more than just a wonderful mother and faithful wife, she is my true and dear friend. She is my best friend.

I've taken her for granted though. I have allowed my interests to take precedence over the precious few hours a day I actually get to see her. (Yes, I realize the irony of writing a post concerning lost time with my wife while she is upstairs, but bare with me)

So, I need to make a choice now. I have no disillusions about what the most important parts of my life are and who the most important people in my life are, but it is time I start acting like it. Friendships are important, but Jessica has to come first. My teaching for Sunday school is an enriching and important part of my life, but Jessica has to come first. My job pays the bills and keeps food on the table, but Jessica has to come first.

Jessica is the completion of my very being. She is worth my attention and my love and my time.

She is worth dying for.

She is worth it for me to lay down my life, to die to my own desires, so that she might know her amazing worth.

I write this mostly more for me, but in truth, that was the point of this blog in the first place...to put my thoughts out there so I could reflect on them and do the things I know I should do. It also helps to have them here, open to the ones of people who also read these thoughts and make me accountable to someone other than myself.

Finding Joy

I have been teaching about joy this month, finding ways to be happy in God even when things don't go your way. It is more than a little ironic that I've had such a hard time staying joyful lately. My days are not filled with gloom by any means, but I have had more than my share of moments where I just want to shut down. Moments where I just want to be alone and allowed to stare at nothing without being asked why. I don't want to talk about it. I don't know how to verbalize what I'm feeling. I just want to be invisible for a little while...

The future gives me pause. I don't know where I'm going and I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I feel my heart pulling me in too many directions trying to connect and reconnect and console and encourage and teach and follow and listen and learn, but I end up not doing any of them well. Tonight I feel lousy, as a father, a husband, a son, a brother, and a friend.

But the things that God has provided still anchor me; my amazing wife and beautiful child, my family and friends, and the sacrifice that God made for me is enough to make me realize my worth again. So, I'll move forward. I'll find ways to be happy in God because He is a good and faithful God, whose guidance will lead me on my journey towards understanding.

Stupid Plastic Card

All things come to an end.  Gone are the days of disposable income, or perhaps more appropriately, gone are the days of waste-able income.  That is really all I did when I was feeling a little down or something shiny caught my eye or I was in a good mood.  Pretty much anytime I felt like it really, I would just blow money on things I didn't need and ultimately didn't even want.  I would never allow myself to carry cash.  That was always a guaranteed way to get the economy stimulated..giving me cash money.  For me personally, it is better to have all cash put away where I can't see it.  I see stacks of money and I want to give it to people who will give me things like movies and candy and video games.  I have gift cards collecting dust because if I use them, they are gone.  Something about them makes me want to get something really good, because they are gifts.  I can't use them to get something practical, I don't want practical things for my birthday or Christmas.  So instead I hang on to these little pieces of plastic and stare and things that might be cool to have, yet I'm afraid that once I turn over my gift card for this latest ware, they will bring out the real latest and greatest techno gadget that does twice as much for half the price.  So, I keep my little plastic card.  Who knows, maybe someday they will have a cooler looking gift card I can buy with it.