Revealing Dreams

I've been having some interesting dreams lately and I feel like they are revealing things about who I am and allowing me some insight into possible areas of growth in my life.

It shouldn't be surprising how God can come at me from so many different angles, but it really is. He sheds light on areas of my life that I felt where not in need of attention like how I treat others.

Scenario One: The Opposite of Love

As with most any work environments I have coworkers; some I get along with very well, and some I have difficulty connecting with. It isn't a big deal really. No one, including myself has anyone they really 'hate' and that is such a blessing. Speaking only for myself however, there are people that I just don't care for. I don't have ill will towards them or desire bad things to happen to them, but I can't honestly say I would be greatly affected if something bad did occur. Outside of work interactions, their existence doesn't affect me. Their fortune, good or bad, is just that, 'their' fortune. It doesn't matter to me. I have a lot of people who have come in and around my life that fall into this category. Not friends, certainly not enemies (at least not in my mind), but just people who if I never seen or heard from them again, I wouldn't miss a beat.

So, when my boss announced the firing of a certain coworker, I didn't care. I feigned my shock and heart-felt sympathies, but once the coworker was out the door, it was back to work as usual for me. In my dream at least. My boss didn't fire anyone in real life, and I didn't pretend to care in real life, but the emotion, or lack of emotion to be more precise, that was real.

It didn't take me long after waking and starting my morning routine to realize that this previous way of thinking was flawed somehow. I don't want this coworker, or any coworker, to be fired. I wouldn't do anything underhanded to try to cause their dismissal, but those facts were not enough to lift the deep feeling that I was missing the point, a very important point. My indifference towards this coworker was not the opposite of doing hurtful things to them, or not talking bad about them behind their back. My indifference towards them was the opposite of showing them love.

Indifference is the opposite of love.

The fact that I didn't care or don't care about someone I may come into contact with equates to them not being important to me. Now I realize that not everyone I meet will become my deep and personal friend, but their importance as a human being, an image bearer of God, is not measured by that.

The realization of this fell heavily on my soul and I prayed for forgiveness and guidance as I sat in silence, with the showering water drowning out the noise of the world.

Everyone has value. Everyone is special...not because of how they look, whether they laugh at your jokes, whether they agree with you, or they have interesting stories...not because of who they are or what they have or have not done. We are all special because of who made us. While we are all flawed and broken in some way or another, we are all still God's creation...and He loves us all so very much.

Now, as I strive to have a heart that beats with my Father's, my love for others continues to grow and with it, my understanding of my own worth.


Scenario Two: Unforgivable
There is one thing that I have told Jessica would ruin our marriage and that would be if she were unfaithful. As I watched the video before the big game, my boss, the head football coach for the local high school and my wife flanked me. What none of us expected though was the camera panning away from the previous game's action to the coach and a woman making out under the bleachers. At first everyone, including myself was thinking up ways for us to explain this embarrassing situation away to the fans when this video gets out. Then I somehow realized, I guess because it was my dream, that the woman in the video was my wife. It was devastating, frustrating, confusing and in spite of all the completely preposterous things that had happened and were about to occur throughout the dream, it was all so real to me.

I wasn't thinking at the time at why we were living in my parent's house or why I was working as an assistant coach for a high school football team or how it came to be that our daughter Olivia was being babysat...that should have been a dead giveaway right there! That all didn't matter though, my life was falling apart.

I needed to get away from her. I threw on clothes on top of clothes so I'd have at least a few changes and I stuffed some of my things in my waistband and pockets I might need. I wanted to wait for Olivia to get home and take her too, but I knew she wouldn't let me and what's more I'm sure the police wouldn't have let me either. I didn't want to abandon my child though. It wasn't her fault. Why should she be broken because of what had been done to me? I needed time away though...a safe haven to weather the storm. So I quickly thought of where I could go and shot a message off to one of my friends.

My mother came a little later, I'm still not sure if we lived with her or if we now owned her old house or what, but whatever the reason she was there, trying to calm me down after I had thrown something made of glass against the wall. 'You don't understand!' I told her, 'she cheated on me!' And I was ready to leave, to flee. I knew where I was going, even if I didn't know how to get there.

Then...I just stopped. I sat down on the ground and put my head in my hands. I wonder if this is what it means to die for my wife. If instead of abandoning her, I could stay and offer her a forgiveness that could only come from God.

I wonder if this is how God feels every time I am unfaithful to him.

It is a scenario that, upon waking, I just don't think either Jess or I would have to go through, but this brief experience has opened my eyes even more to the power and vastness of God's love, faithfulness and forgiveness.

Slowing Down

My new car reads the mpg as I drive. Not just an average mpg over how ever many miles I drive, I have that too, but it has an instant visual of how many miles I am getting for the gallon of petrol at any second. I push down the accelerator...5. I coast to a stop sign...99. I'm generally mesmerized by it, it is a new game for me as I drive to and from work. I find my self smoothly picking up speed as I travel on declines and letting my momentum carry me up the hills. Overall, it takes me longer to get to work, but it is just a few minutes in the end. I get passed a lot more that I used to, but that is okay too.

Good things do come to those who are willing to trust and to wait.

Life takes patience.

As God works in me and with me to get me where He wants me to go, I sometimes forget that it isn't something that can be rushed. Sometimes I have to take steps back in order to move forward in a totally different direction because I was going too fast. More often than not, I find myself making wrong turns trying to reach good and healthy goals, because I didn't take the time to simply ask God for His wisdom and guidance. Whether it is financially or relationally or spiritually, I can try to go after something better, but without God, I miss out on the best of everything.

God's plan cannot be done without God and a willingness to wait for Him...in our speech, our prayers and our thoughts.

Life takes patience...but it is worth the wait.

We're Not Poor, We're Just Broke.

Well, we got the appraisal numbers back on the house from our whole work towards refinancing. Let's just say it was more than a little disappointing...although I can't say it was totally unexpected with everything going on right now.

I just don't really care all that much though. I have a wonderful wife and a wonderful daughter to come home to.

I am so incredibly blessed by those two things alone that I wouldn't dare ask for more even though God has given and continues to give me just that...more.

"Look what I found!"

Spending Money to Save Money

Gas is killing us, so we need to get a vehicle that gets better mileage. The thing is, we are upside down on our truck so I think the easiest thing is to trade it in for new. Please put in your two cents with the poll and if you have comments, I'd love to hear them.

UPDATE: Well, we are on the road to recovery, at least in the car department. A higher payment, but a lower gas bill and overall a net gain.

We ended up getting the 08' Malibu LS. No extra frills, but it still has everything you need and even some things that are extra on other base model cars. Plus it still looks pretty sweet if I do say so myself...and I don't. :)

Struggle of the Week Club

For some reason life continues to bring new struggles even when I wasn't finished with the problem I already had. Sometimes old problems return that I was sure I had laid to rest.

I guess that is ultimately the point of God's message. I can't do it on my own. No matter how hard I try to take steps towards goodness, I find myself back on my butt, trying to figure out how I got to this place again.

(Content Edited. To be Republished in Separate Post.)

Something in my eye

Great friends can withstand distance and silence, but the reunion is so bittersweet sometimes.  Old memories push forward and remind us of great times we miss and are missing.  

The journey of life has forks in the road though, and sometimes two friends have to take different paths.  I don't regret the path I've chosen or that's been chosen for me, but I do sometimes miss those who traveled with me along the way and are now on a different route.   Perhaps we'll intersect through the years and remember, together, why our hearts are so fond of one another, but if not, in the end I think we will end up at the same destination.

Until then, know this, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish nothing but the best for all of you who have traveled with me in strength, weakness, struggle, joy, despair, and ultimately friendship.