This was not part of the contract

I knew that certain changes occur with the female body during pregnancy so I tried to prepare myself for that when my wife became pregnant. There are endless sources of anecdotes and TV sitcoms with needy pregnant women, late trips to the gas station, unexplainable cravings and uncontrollable mood swings. None of those, however, prepared me for the changes that my wife would go through.

As the pregnancy as progressed, I've had to be more aggressive in annexing food for dinner. OK, I will grant that increased food consumption was expected on her part, but I didn't realize the speed at which she would take it in would increase as well. Now she is waiting for me to finish eating at restaurants and inquiring if I'm going to eat all of what is in front of me. Sitting in front of the TV eating a meal after work, I was used to her getting up to take care of the leftovers. Now there are no leftovers. If I want second dinner, it has to be a whole different meal completely which, by the way, takes the fun out of second dinner.

In addition, she has started to forgo getting dishes out. Who needs a glass when you can chug directly from the gallon of chocolate milk? Why bother with a plate, when the large protrusion from your midsection works so well? There is something about using my unborn daughter's body as an end table for placing such things as the remote control that sort of flies in the face in the whole sanctity of life thing.

Now she scratches herself a lot more, asks me to get her something 'while I'm up' a lot more and spills things a lot more. The vehicles have crumbs and jelly stains and garbage all over. The child hasn't been born yet, but I think the lack of car seat is the only giveaway to that fact.

Plus, she farts. I know everyone farts, but now she farts all the time. She farts and laughs about it. It is funny when she does I guess. She farts in the morning and she farts at night. It has become a sort of punctuation to her movements. Get up...fart. Roll over...fart.

When it comes down to it, she's a guy. There is no other way to explain it. My wife, through the miracle of pregnancy has somehow become a man. Not only that, but an old man. She needs help getting up, her back hurts, she needs help carrying things down the stairs. She is an old, disgusting man now and I am sure this was never discussed in either Gym or Sex Ed. I did not sign up for this.

I love her to death though. We laugh together about these weird changes and how she is becoming, quite frankly, more like me. Soon it will be over, though. She will revert back to her old self, we'll have a wonderful baby girl, and we'll be down to just one disgusting guy in the house...me!