Hard Truth

Today I learned some hard truths about myself.

1. My driving, though flawless and some might say graceful, generally pisses my wife off. I don't know why she hates it so much, but I'm choosing to believe it is jealousy.

2. I am the gayest person my wife knows. That is saying something. I know a lot of the people she knows...and there are some pretty gay ones.

Oh well, perhaps this is what they call tough love.

The greatest gift

Well another Christmas is almost past and this year was pretty good. For one thing, I didn't get sick this year or even have a headache at any of the three parties I went to today. That is a gift in itself.

Then there was the joy of watching Olivia open presents for the first time. Christmas is one more thing that changes once you have a child.

As far as gifts, there were several nice things of course. There are the gift cards, which are fun, and the always welcome replacement underpants, t-shirts and socks. There were some unexpected gifts like my cool new football and 20 Questions Simpsons Game which are awesome.

I got a slick new sweatshirt I can wear to work now. At least I think I can wear it, since it has the company logo on it.

We also got the movie, Horton Hears a Who and the Ultimate Veggie Tales Silly Songs DVD. Sweet!

My greatest gift, however, didn't come today, but long before.


It wasn't wrapped in festive paper or with ribbons, adorned.


No, my greatest gift of all


didn't come from a gun store, a catalog or mall.


Nonetheless, I feel great and oh so nifty,


that I got this wonderful gift...






an Xbox 360.



What? What did you think I was gonna say? Seriously, I got it like over a month ago. It is awesome! Jess let me get it at Best Buy and I just brought it home and played it for hours. In fact, I think I'm going to go play it right now!

See Thru

It isn't always bad to be invisible. Sometimes you can just sit back and enjoy the chaos of a room full of conversations, people connecting, sharing, and just enjoying each other's company, all the while not really hearing anything they say. The expressions say enough. Their faces, the laughter, their smiles. All of it is great to even glimpse.

I'm generally not a big fan of meetings. I don't like to interject my thoughts into a group discussion. For the most part I am slow to speak and generally more eager to listen and take everything in.

Tonight was still fun though. I felt welcome and comfortable in someone else's home surrounded by coworkers in Christ.

I love teaching and storytelling and the part it plays towards building a foundation for the kids at DV. I love being a part of DV:FX. What a blessing it has been for me to meet so many new and wonderful people. What an encouragement it is, to see their devotion to their work and these children.

It is just so great to step out sometimes and watch God work through hugs, crayons, foam balls and inanimate donkey teeth.

Last One Standing

In 1 Chorinthians 13, we learn about love.  How many times have we heard it, over and over again at weddings?

Love is patient.

Love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love is all of these things, but there is something more important to understand about it.

Love is.

You can't buy it, create it, trade for it, change it or control it.  It is.

When everything else fades away, there left, will be Love.

Sacred

There is a time when reflection turns to distraction of real and meaningful growth. Forgetting that love and grace have released us from our mistakes, the deceiver convinces us to shackle ourselves again with shame and doubt and a pursuit of doing enough to deserve what we could never earn.

How amazing that we could be fooled in so many ways to thinking we are anything less than sacred.

How amazing that we can be deceived into believing that God is anything less than everything He says He is.

A pursuit to better ourselves can never be a journey of things we do. It is an acceptance of what God has already done. It is an acceptance of who we are and whose we are.

Jagged

I can hardly believe it has been a year since I started this experiment.

This blog.

Time really does fly.

A little over a year ago I went into this not knowing what to expect. Sharing pieces of my life and journey with family, friends, and people I barely know seems kinda odd at times. I'm more of the listening type. The wallflower. Perhaps I was just hoping to become...

open

transparent

understood

Perhaps I've made some progress in those things with the help of this blog, but I can't help but think about how guarded and edited and censored my posts really are. Being open and transparent are harder for me than I expected and even I don't understand me most of the time.

I don't understand why I have to be so sarcastic or condescending. I don't understand why I doubt my worth or importance so much.

I don't get it when I'm

petty

greedy

selfish

needy

rude

bitter

jealous

depressed

cold

I wish it wasn't so easy to keep listing my faults. I wish I didn't have so many. We're all broken though. In different degrees and different ways, but all broken nonetheless. We get tossed around by enemies, and worse yet by loved ones. Some of us are neglected while others are abused and in our brokenness, our jagged edges bruise and scrape and scar others.

So much has changed in the last year. So many amazing miracles and blessings and times of true and incredible joy. But, as much as it pains me to say it, so much hasn't changed though. I still have the same ups and downs and I'm still basically the same person. I feel like this has been a failed experiment. Not that I thought it was the answer to dynamically changing my life, but even as a piece of process, it is something I'm not sure I want to do anymore.

It is strange, I just finished trying to teach the weekly lessons about determination to the kids so they wouldn't quit when things get tough. But determination, as our virtue, is deciding it is worth it to finish what we've started. Maybe it is time to be finished.

Or maybe just finished for now.

The Good Life

It is amazing how priorities and interests change with a child. Simple things become amazing memories.

sand on toes


wet sand on toes...watching swells come in groves... :)

hayrides

picking pumpkins that are way too big


then diving in with both hands

This really is the good life.

"Shut up, Shut UP, SHUT UP!" And Other Conversations I've Had With Myself

I've had so many thoughts and ideas racing around my head which were mostly just plain silly to be wasting my time with. It is easy to surrender to the noise of this world and push to the back burner the more important things...the most important things.

Just because I get to teach a new piece of the Bible story each week doesn't automatically translate into me getting a chance to find some quiet to listen to what God has to say about my life and my direction.

I turned off the radio in my car this past week to try and take advantage of a great opportunity I have being that I live and hour from my work. It was pretty amazing how my mind, like some over-stimulated crack addict would jump from pointless thoughts to movie recaps and desires for yet more stuff that I don't even really want.

I'm hoping I just needed to defrag a little and the rides into work can be more quiet.

The Next Picasso?

Date Nights

Jess and I have decided we should start working on having some date nights. Having Olivia in our life is an amazing gift and we wouldn't trade her for the world, but she does require a lot of our attention, which means we end up neglecting each other. I have no doubt that raising our daughter is the most important job we could have, but like any job, regardless of how enjoyable it is, we need to take a break once in awhile. There needs to be time set aside for just us to feel loved and valued by one another.

If anyone has some nice spots or date ideas, please let us know!

Happy New Year!

Last Sunday was the launch of a new ministry year at Discovery Village, which is the children's ministry of my amazing church. This time around I took the summer off and it was a good break to get some home projects done, take trips with my wife and daughter, and generally unwind from the weekly commitments of helping a hundred or so kids learn about God.

I do love it though. It is so great to get back at it. Our first lesson went great and I can't wait for next week to come. While teaching and storytelling are a lot of fun, these weekly lessons also give me focus on my own studies of God. I've never been in a small group or been able to follow home studies very well. Instead I find community within the amazing church staff and fellow volunteers like myself. I've met a lot of great people and I continue to grow friendships with those who stand with me.

So, Happy New DV Year!

Silhouette on the Horizon

"The journey of life has forks in the road...and sometimes two friends have to take different paths. I don't regret the path I've chosen or that's been chosen for me, but I do sometimes miss those who traveled with me along the way and are now on a different route. Perhaps we'll intersect through the years and remember, together, why our hearts are so fond of one another, but if not, in the end I think we will end up at the same destination."

I've come to another fork in the road and seen a another friend fading into the horizon. I've seen the shrinking silhouette for some time now and didn't know what to say and frankly didn't know how to feel.

We've since talked and regardless of my feelings, the paths we must each go are just not the same. So, I turn the corner on another surprising twist of fate. Two people following the same Lord, going in different directions.

Maybe I'll figure it out further on down the road, but for now I look on ahead...and smile. I'll come away better for our friendship and I will have nothing but warm memories of the brief bit of life we shared together.

Out of Sorts Olivia

My little girl has been feeling lousy the last week. It is a real bummer watching her cry and want to be held, then cry and want to be put down and vice-versa. She just doesn't know what she wants.

It is a new experience for me as a father, but it just makes me all the more determined to find that special thing that makes her smile.

A tasty biter cooker seemed to do the trick tonight.

Slow to Speak

I pissed off my wife yesterday.

I was trying to be witty and fun, but I came off as a jerk. While we were supposed to be having a fun day off to get errands done, have a picnic, hike a nature trail and end up at the rehearsal for our friends' wedding, I was starting the journey off with a bang by speaking before thinking.

The thing is, I wasn't in a bad mood or meaning to poke fun at her. In fact, I was so excited to be with her and Olivia for the whole day that I was in a great mood. A little under the weather, sure, but I was looking forward to all the day had in store.

My attempts to start the day out with a laugh, however, were not met with the best response. I chalked it up to her having a bad morning or something. Maybe she was nervous or stressed about all the things she knew needed to get done. So, I did what any reasonable person would do, keep making sarcastic comments towards my wife to cheer her up.

The thing is, not everyone thinks sarcasm is as funny as me. Not everyone thinks sarcasm is a proper default mode of communication.

Somehow I forget that Jess cannot read my mind and I, in turn, get angry at her for not accepting my playful comments as just that. So there are days when I'm quick to speak AND quick to get angry. Nice combo.

As you can guess by now, Jessica did get angry (or frustrated as she likes to say) and I did get angry and pouty and ready to teach her a lesson in what happens when you make ME angry. A little cold shoulder would teach her to appreciate my hilarious and well-thought comedy.

Well-thought comedy that I just blurted out...without thinking. Crap.

In the silence I reflect. I hate being wrong. There must be some loophole where this was all her fault.

Nope.

I was an ass.

Double crap.

So, I ponder my options to try and fix the day and get us back on course. How can I get my heart and mind in the right place so my wife can have a safe and peaceful day with her husband and daughter? It didn't take a whole lot of thought to realize that my words needed just a little more of that...thought.

I needed and need to make sure my head and heart are running before putting my mouth in gear. I need to make sure I'm listening not only to my wife or friend or coworker, but also to myself a little longer before speaking.

Little Clothes

We got a new set of clothes for Olivia the other day. It is amazing how quickly she is growing physically and mentally. As most of the clothes were gifted to us from our generous and wonderful friends and relatives, they required a quick washing. I was just looking at the piles of tiny clothes and shoes as I walked upstairs and I couldn't help but smile at the thought of her wearing them and running around with one of her patented cheesy grins.

0134

I sat in church today, distracted by the four digits repeating in my head. Zero. One. Three. Four. I check to make sure that is the right number...again. It is. Zero one three four. The music is playing, the words are on the screen, but I'm not reading them and I'm not singing along. Instead I watch a different screen blinking a four-digit number in red LEDs. 1036. That isn't my number, not even close. I check anyway just to be sure and wonder for a brief moment if it was typed in wrong.

The offering baskets pass, but offering is Jessica's job, so I pass it without breaking my stare at the tiny screen.

The pastor is back, it must be time for service. He thinks it would be good for everyone to read a few verses together. He thought wrong. Reading a verse means I have to avert my eyes from the screen, which means I might miss it. I have to be ready in case my number shows up. There is no predicting it so I must be vigilant.

He is a great speaker and amazing teacher of God's word and God's love, but his words are replaced in my head with zero, one, three, four. Rome was a big city. I knew that already. Are the screens working? Did anyone see 0134 pop up? I don't think so, but perhaps while I blinked? Are we sure this screen is working? His son is on a cross-country bike trip. Catholics serve lots of spaghetti. Zero one three four? Zero one. Three four. Zero. One three four. I check my wrist again. Yup, that is the number. I hope they didn't show it while I was looking down to triple check. The message today is about hospitality. Hospitality means 'Love of Strangers.' Got it. Zero one three four. Zero one three four. Zero one...A NUMBER FLASHES AGAIN. 2076. Ugh. I wonder to myself if I really want my number to come up. Part of me says no, but an equal and much louder part screams, YES.

The sermon ends, and we're out. I scan down the isles to see which way will get me out the fastest. Young people are good for that. We're out in a flash, not time for fellowship now, gotta go. I make a beeline towards the nursery. I assume Jess is somewhere behind me and hope she can keep up. I come to my daughters classroom and scan the floor and strangers' arms for her. There she is, near the back. The nice elderly lady holding her must recognize me. She smiles and twists Olivia to see me. Then she grabs Olivia's diaper bag and brings her to the half wall.

Before handing her over though, she needs to officially confirm she is mine. She pulls up her leg to match up the tag secured around her ankle with the one on my wrist. Hers and mine both read the same...0134.

Whew. Relief. My baby is back in my arms.

Pray Big

There are times in the midst of prayer that I find myself listing so many different things that I start to feel just a little silly. 'Hey God, could you make this person well...and smooth out this relationship...and guide me in this aspect of my life...and help this person find a job...and make sure these people have enough to eat...and this...and THAT, that is a good one...Oh! and I can't forget all these things.' I feel like a child picking out candy and then I put this voice in my head as I imagine my heavenly father reacting like an earthly parent...'Now, you can only have one, which one do you want the most?'

I know it is me that puts that voice and that limitation on my prayers. I am the one that makes God smaller than He is when, after I catch myself praying for person after person and situation after situation, I finally just pray for everyone, everywhere to be happy and healthy having everything they need, then laugh to myself at how silly a prayer that is. I caught myself thinking about that prayer in the quiet of my commute.

'God, please make everyone happy and healthy and give them everything they need.'

While it sounds like something a child would pray at dinner to the amusement of those much wiser to the way the world really works, what is it that makes this prayer silly?

Isn't this what we are really asking for after acknowledging God's goodness and holiness in what many know as The Lord's Prayer?

Your Kingdom Come
Your Will Be Done
on Earth as it is in Heaven

So what then, I wonder, makes me at least pause and roll my eyes after I ask for such a lofty prayer in different words?

Isn't God good enough?

Strong enough?

Caring enough?

Big enough?

No, God is good and mighty and loves us and He is BIG enough for our biggest prayers.

Course Correction

The summer has been busy and there are a lot of things going on in my life and in my head, but I've noticed a drift in my thoughts to more trivial and finite things. Nothing terrible, but without the balance of God's perspective, nothing that moves me towards becoming a better person and a better reflection of His love.

It is easy to forget to pray and reflect in the good times. It is easy to put off thankfulness even when there are so many things to be thankful for.

So, I'm making a course correction. Even if things are going very well for me, there are still so, so many things to think about, work on, and pray about.

New nephews.

Adoptions.

Pregnancies.

Job Searches.

Job Changes.

Moves.

Marriages.

Travels.

Big Girl

Too much cuteness to keep to myself.

Lu at the Zoo

Today we took a day trip to the zoo with some friends. As expected, Olivia was mostly into staring and riding, but it was a good first trip. With two other little girls, including a spunky four-year-old, there was still plenty of excitement and energy to go around.

It had been years since I'd been to the zoo, so I was interested to go as well. When I first walked in, however, that familiar stank came at me. I was kinda afraid that I'd be holding my breath the whole way through, but it turns out these were the culprits...

Yes, that is right, Flamingos are stinky creatures. Not the stinkiest, that title easily goes to the porcupines which were far too stinky to even take the time to photograph.

The Pygmy goats were a hit with all the kids, but Olivia's favorite by far were the Penguins! She loved watching them up close as they swam around behind the Plexiglas. I think her love of water and the similarities between how the penguins smelled with her own dirty diapers really helped to cement the bond.

There were lots of other cool things we saw and it couldn't have been a nicer day. Nice breeze, we got there right when it opened so there weren't many people, and the lions were out and about which I hear is a nice bonus.

After our zoo visit, we went to a nearby park to enjoy a picnic and bask in the sun. Not a bad day at all.

Rickety

Well, I'm not getting any younger, that is for sure. If crawling around the living room with six month old wasn't enough to make this old man feel that way, decisions about life insurance, 401k plans, muscle pains, physicals, the disgusting feeling get when eating childhood favorites like hot dogs, bologna or Cool Ranch Doritos and maybe most of all, the general inability to function the following morning when I stay up past 10 o'clock certainly do.

I can't complain though...I take that back. I can complain and want to complain, but that just makes me feel even older.

Are you my friend?

There a lot of times I feel unsure of who my friends are. I wish it was easier to tell who actually enjoys my company rather than just being polite. I don't like the idea of being the annoying guy who hangs around unwanted. Maybe it is a trust issue or a self-esteem issue or probably a little of both. I can't help but doubt my own value in a friendship. Trusting new people to hold onto a piece of my heart is a scary thing. Believing in my worth is even harder.

What choices do I have though? There are no glowing lights that indicate whether a person likes you or if that someone just doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Maybe I just expect too much. I'm sure that is part of it. Perhaps my idea of friendship is unrealistic in a world broken.

I do have great friends. Friends I trust and who make me feel welcome. My wife is first and foremost on that very short list. She is without a doubt, my best friend. While I still think she is crazy for being in love with me, I do not doubt that she is. I can't say I've always felt that way. I wish I could, but even after marriage, I still wondered about the sincerity of her love.

Now though, I can fully see the love that she has for me. I missed it before, not because it wasn't there, but because I wouldn't let myself believe that anyone could truly love me. As I have learned to accept myself as I am...as God made me, my eyes have been opened to her love and it is an amazing blessing.

Nothing Much

So this has really been a pretty calm last few days. Nothing much has really happened.

I mean there was the awesome 4th of July weekend with brats and baseball. It was nice to get a little more sun and toss a baseball around.

Of course getting to the weekend was a dream after the week of work. Even though it was a short week, with the storms it made for some pretty long days.

Did I mention that my daughter now has two teeth? Yeah, she is growing so fast and still trying to figure out that whole crawling thing. Currently she holds herself up on all fours and rocks back and fourth. Every once in awhile she will actually go backwards. This annoys her to no end, but she grunts and growls and keeps right on trying.

Oh, and I sold my old laptop so I had to get a replacement and I ended up choosing a sweet little MacBook. This is the first post I'm typing on it as I listen to Rick Hopkins and Olivia plays the empty the basket game. It took me a few hours to figure out the best way to transfer all the data over, but it worked out great. I didn't realize we had so many pictures. They are mostly of Olivia and she has only been around for six months!

Which reminds me, I made a neat slideshow and an even sweeter DVD with it this weekend. I was so excited when I burned the DVD, ran downstairs to test it on the actual DVD player and it really worked. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.

Aside from the several walks and working on the yard and making brat patties (Yes, patties! Jess brought them home because she thought they would be a good alternative because I'm not allowed to have red meat and they were surprisingly good. Jess and I like our brats more well done than most and these pretty much gave the same effect.) and generally just playing with Livy we've had a pretty uneventful weekend.

Yup, nothing much to say since the last time I posted. Maybe next week will be more interesting.

Lazy Days of Summer

Well, the storms rolled through and took away about 20 degrees today, so it was perfect for lounging in the sun and taking a stroll to the Dairy Queen...which was closed for renovation so we got to walk a little further to McDonald's. All in all, a really nice day. We did a little house cleaning a little snacking, and a little sunshine photo shoot with Livy Lu.

Making the Constitution Legal Again

The Supreme Court handed down a decision today, helping to secure the 2nd Amendment as it was intended; the protection of an individual's right to keep and bear arms for self-defense. In celebration I have gathered some of my favorite gun stats and gun-related quotes. Enjoy!

"The very atmosphere of firearms anywhere and everywhere restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor with all that's good"

-- George Washington

"Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of arms, as the blackest."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

"One of the ordinary modes, by which tyrants accomplish their purposes without resistance, is, by disarming the people, and making it an offense to keep arms."

-- Constitutional scholar Joseph Story, 1840

"Taking my gun away because I might shoot someone is like cutting my tongue out because I might yell `Fire!' in a crowded theater."

-- Peter Venetoklis

Certainly one of the chief guarantees of freedom under any government, no matter how popular and respected, is the right of the citizens to keep and bear arms. [...] the right of the citizens to bear arms is just one guarantee against arbitrary government and one more safeguard against a tyranny which now appears remote in America, but which historically has proved to be always possible.

-- Hubert H. Humphrey, 1960

"When every second counts, the cops are just minutes away."

‘‘Are we at last brought to such humiliating and debasing degradation, that we cannot be trusted with arms for our defense? ... If our defense be the real object of having those arms, in whose hands can they be trusted with more propriety, or equal safety to us, as in our own hands?’’

— Patrick Henry

What is He waiting for?

I have discovered a neat, possibly new, feature with iTunes where you can download movie trailers. I am a pretty big fan of movie trailers generally speaking so I found myself click, click, clicking on all sorts of trailers. Mostly, I found movies that I'll likely rent in the future and then there was one that caught my eye...Religulous by Bill Maher. Oh great, a pseudo-documentary about religion. One part of the trailer stuck in my head more than anything else though. In one scene he is conversing with some dude who appears to be dressed as Jesus for an Easter presentation. It is a brief interaction with the following being said:

Bill: "Why doesn't he just obliterate the Devil, and therefore get rid of evil in the world?"
Dude Dressed as Jesus: "He will"
Bill: "He will? What's he waiting for?"

It is a tough question to answer. What is He waiting for? Why doesn't God bring his kingdom to earth and end the suffering. Why, if heaven is the greatest place to be, do we need to waste our time with the current state of affairs?

There is, of course, the basic answer of not knowing God's plans or His timing. Which is true, we don't know God's plan and I truly believe we lack the ability to ever fully understand it. The thing is, I still struggle to understand this question myself. It doesn't shake my faith, but I wish I could get my head around some possible reason to wait.

Then, the morning after, as I replayed the question in my head, something hit me. Maybe He is waiting for something so amazing and precious that it is worth holding off the apocalypse for. Maybe He is waiting for all those people...His people...His children...to come back to Him. Maybe He waits, weeping at the sight of having us live in this broken world, but knowing that the alternative would leave so many behind...or worse. He has done the work, paid the price, and opened the door to us all, and now...maybe he is waiting for us.

Maybe He waits for your teacher or coworker or friend. Maybe He waits for someone you haven't met or never will meet. Your mail carrier, the cashier, the girl who cut you off or the guy who's riding your butt while you drive. Maybe He is waiting for Bill.

Maybe He is waiting for my mom and my dad and my sister and my aunt and uncle and cousins.

Maybe He is still waiting for me to fully give my life over to Jesus.

Maybe He is waiting because He knows that once that ship sets sail, once the end of this age comes, there is no turning back. Those left behind will have run out of the chances to accept God's grace that each new day brings.

Maybe He is waiting for you.

First Father's Day

This is my first official Father's Day and I couldn't be happier with my daughter and wife. They are my real gift. The idea of being celebrated for being lucky enough and blessed enough to have somehow won the heart of my wife, then have a perfect, beautiful baby with her is kinda crazy when I think about it. Maybe down the road, I'll have to make tougher decisions and perhaps some larger sacrifices for my child that will make me feel more like I've earned a special day like this, but right now I feel like I owe. Having Olivia and Jessica in my life is such a privilege, I feel like I should be getting them something!

I have a lot to look forward to, and boy do I. I look forward to all your laughs and smiles and I look forward to the times I can comfort you and hold you. You're what makes this day special, sweetheart.











Hmm...I wonder if they would prefer a big screen TV or a MacBook as a token of my appreciation.

Sunsets

"And the sun will set for you,
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray,
And the sun will set for you."

There have been many blessings in my life that I am so very thankful for, but there are still times when the joy of my life is muted by circumstance and stress and exhaustion. In those times, I allow myself to drift from the truth of who I am and whose I am. I allow myself to dwell on things I don't have or the places I can't go or friends who...aren't.

It is time though to get on my feet and continue on the journey though. I can't hold up my life for things. They don't bring real joy. I can't hold up my life wishing I was somewhere else. Everything I truly love is right here. I can't hold up my life waiting for people who don't enjoy my company. Not everyone is going to like me and they don't need to.

I've wasted enough time on these things and more. No more...at least for tonight. Tonight I play with my daughter. Tonight I spend time with my wife. Tonight I remember what it is that gives me life. The rest of the crap is a waste and I have to say good-bye.



"Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple. Sometimes goodbye's the only way."









Lyrics from Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park

Three Words

It is hard for me to look in the mirror and see great things in myself, so I thought I try to see myself through the eyes of some of my friends and family. This is what some had to say about me in three words:

Loving, Funny, Seeker

Reserved, Funny, Smart

Trustworthy, Witty, Complex

Dependable, Hardworking, Lighthearted

Compassionate, Good-looking (thanks Mom), Smart

Loquacious, Facetious, Voracious

Humorous, Smart, Easy-Going

Funny, Creative, Christian

Caring, Protective, Caring

Christian, Father, Friend

They aren't in any particular order...they don't need to be. Thank you to everyone who found the time to give me just three little words that will give me some insight...on me. Not everyone did, and I guess that says something too.

Making a Fist

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,

I felt the life sliding out of me,

a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.

I was seven, I lay in the car

watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern past the glass.

My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.



"How do you know if you are going to die?"

I begged my mother.

We had been traveling for days.

With strange confidence she answered,

"When you can no longer make a fist."



Years later I smile to think of that journey,

the borders we must cross separately,

stamped with our unanswerable woes.

I who did not die, who am still living,

still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,

clenching and opening one small hand.

~Naomi Shihab Ni

My Aunt died suddenly Saturday and hearing my mother's account of the last few hours reminded me of this poem. My Aunt couldn't keep fighting though after her massive heart attack and the hospital she went to seemed ill equipped to treat her.

The saddest part wasn't the funeral however, but rather the reminder of the fractures present in our family. Betrayals and fights and bitterness cast a dark cloud over an already sad time.

I took myself out of the loop a long time ago because I found it hard to follow who was mad at who and why. Part of me wants to retreat again to safer ground and leave it all behind, but I feel called to jump into the fray again. I feel called to not give up...to never stop making a fist when it comes to my family.

Revealing Dreams

I've been having some interesting dreams lately and I feel like they are revealing things about who I am and allowing me some insight into possible areas of growth in my life.

It shouldn't be surprising how God can come at me from so many different angles, but it really is. He sheds light on areas of my life that I felt where not in need of attention like how I treat others.

Scenario One: The Opposite of Love

As with most any work environments I have coworkers; some I get along with very well, and some I have difficulty connecting with. It isn't a big deal really. No one, including myself has anyone they really 'hate' and that is such a blessing. Speaking only for myself however, there are people that I just don't care for. I don't have ill will towards them or desire bad things to happen to them, but I can't honestly say I would be greatly affected if something bad did occur. Outside of work interactions, their existence doesn't affect me. Their fortune, good or bad, is just that, 'their' fortune. It doesn't matter to me. I have a lot of people who have come in and around my life that fall into this category. Not friends, certainly not enemies (at least not in my mind), but just people who if I never seen or heard from them again, I wouldn't miss a beat.

So, when my boss announced the firing of a certain coworker, I didn't care. I feigned my shock and heart-felt sympathies, but once the coworker was out the door, it was back to work as usual for me. In my dream at least. My boss didn't fire anyone in real life, and I didn't pretend to care in real life, but the emotion, or lack of emotion to be more precise, that was real.

It didn't take me long after waking and starting my morning routine to realize that this previous way of thinking was flawed somehow. I don't want this coworker, or any coworker, to be fired. I wouldn't do anything underhanded to try to cause their dismissal, but those facts were not enough to lift the deep feeling that I was missing the point, a very important point. My indifference towards this coworker was not the opposite of doing hurtful things to them, or not talking bad about them behind their back. My indifference towards them was the opposite of showing them love.

Indifference is the opposite of love.

The fact that I didn't care or don't care about someone I may come into contact with equates to them not being important to me. Now I realize that not everyone I meet will become my deep and personal friend, but their importance as a human being, an image bearer of God, is not measured by that.

The realization of this fell heavily on my soul and I prayed for forgiveness and guidance as I sat in silence, with the showering water drowning out the noise of the world.

Everyone has value. Everyone is special...not because of how they look, whether they laugh at your jokes, whether they agree with you, or they have interesting stories...not because of who they are or what they have or have not done. We are all special because of who made us. While we are all flawed and broken in some way or another, we are all still God's creation...and He loves us all so very much.

Now, as I strive to have a heart that beats with my Father's, my love for others continues to grow and with it, my understanding of my own worth.


Scenario Two: Unforgivable
There is one thing that I have told Jessica would ruin our marriage and that would be if she were unfaithful. As I watched the video before the big game, my boss, the head football coach for the local high school and my wife flanked me. What none of us expected though was the camera panning away from the previous game's action to the coach and a woman making out under the bleachers. At first everyone, including myself was thinking up ways for us to explain this embarrassing situation away to the fans when this video gets out. Then I somehow realized, I guess because it was my dream, that the woman in the video was my wife. It was devastating, frustrating, confusing and in spite of all the completely preposterous things that had happened and were about to occur throughout the dream, it was all so real to me.

I wasn't thinking at the time at why we were living in my parent's house or why I was working as an assistant coach for a high school football team or how it came to be that our daughter Olivia was being babysat...that should have been a dead giveaway right there! That all didn't matter though, my life was falling apart.

I needed to get away from her. I threw on clothes on top of clothes so I'd have at least a few changes and I stuffed some of my things in my waistband and pockets I might need. I wanted to wait for Olivia to get home and take her too, but I knew she wouldn't let me and what's more I'm sure the police wouldn't have let me either. I didn't want to abandon my child though. It wasn't her fault. Why should she be broken because of what had been done to me? I needed time away though...a safe haven to weather the storm. So I quickly thought of where I could go and shot a message off to one of my friends.

My mother came a little later, I'm still not sure if we lived with her or if we now owned her old house or what, but whatever the reason she was there, trying to calm me down after I had thrown something made of glass against the wall. 'You don't understand!' I told her, 'she cheated on me!' And I was ready to leave, to flee. I knew where I was going, even if I didn't know how to get there.

Then...I just stopped. I sat down on the ground and put my head in my hands. I wonder if this is what it means to die for my wife. If instead of abandoning her, I could stay and offer her a forgiveness that could only come from God.

I wonder if this is how God feels every time I am unfaithful to him.

It is a scenario that, upon waking, I just don't think either Jess or I would have to go through, but this brief experience has opened my eyes even more to the power and vastness of God's love, faithfulness and forgiveness.

Slowing Down

My new car reads the mpg as I drive. Not just an average mpg over how ever many miles I drive, I have that too, but it has an instant visual of how many miles I am getting for the gallon of petrol at any second. I push down the accelerator...5. I coast to a stop sign...99. I'm generally mesmerized by it, it is a new game for me as I drive to and from work. I find my self smoothly picking up speed as I travel on declines and letting my momentum carry me up the hills. Overall, it takes me longer to get to work, but it is just a few minutes in the end. I get passed a lot more that I used to, but that is okay too.

Good things do come to those who are willing to trust and to wait.

Life takes patience.

As God works in me and with me to get me where He wants me to go, I sometimes forget that it isn't something that can be rushed. Sometimes I have to take steps back in order to move forward in a totally different direction because I was going too fast. More often than not, I find myself making wrong turns trying to reach good and healthy goals, because I didn't take the time to simply ask God for His wisdom and guidance. Whether it is financially or relationally or spiritually, I can try to go after something better, but without God, I miss out on the best of everything.

God's plan cannot be done without God and a willingness to wait for Him...in our speech, our prayers and our thoughts.

Life takes patience...but it is worth the wait.

We're Not Poor, We're Just Broke.

Well, we got the appraisal numbers back on the house from our whole work towards refinancing. Let's just say it was more than a little disappointing...although I can't say it was totally unexpected with everything going on right now.

I just don't really care all that much though. I have a wonderful wife and a wonderful daughter to come home to.

I am so incredibly blessed by those two things alone that I wouldn't dare ask for more even though God has given and continues to give me just that...more.

"Look what I found!"

Spending Money to Save Money

Gas is killing us, so we need to get a vehicle that gets better mileage. The thing is, we are upside down on our truck so I think the easiest thing is to trade it in for new. Please put in your two cents with the poll and if you have comments, I'd love to hear them.

UPDATE: Well, we are on the road to recovery, at least in the car department. A higher payment, but a lower gas bill and overall a net gain.

We ended up getting the 08' Malibu LS. No extra frills, but it still has everything you need and even some things that are extra on other base model cars. Plus it still looks pretty sweet if I do say so myself...and I don't. :)

Struggle of the Week Club

For some reason life continues to bring new struggles even when I wasn't finished with the problem I already had. Sometimes old problems return that I was sure I had laid to rest.

I guess that is ultimately the point of God's message. I can't do it on my own. No matter how hard I try to take steps towards goodness, I find myself back on my butt, trying to figure out how I got to this place again.

(Content Edited. To be Republished in Separate Post.)

Something in my eye

Great friends can withstand distance and silence, but the reunion is so bittersweet sometimes.  Old memories push forward and remind us of great times we miss and are missing.  

The journey of life has forks in the road though, and sometimes two friends have to take different paths.  I don't regret the path I've chosen or that's been chosen for me, but I do sometimes miss those who traveled with me along the way and are now on a different route.   Perhaps we'll intersect through the years and remember, together, why our hearts are so fond of one another, but if not, in the end I think we will end up at the same destination.

Until then, know this, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish nothing but the best for all of you who have traveled with me in strength, weakness, struggle, joy, despair, and ultimately friendship.

Worth It

My wife is amazing. She is so strong and beautiful, but she is so much more than just a wonderful mother and faithful wife, she is my true and dear friend. She is my best friend.

I've taken her for granted though. I have allowed my interests to take precedence over the precious few hours a day I actually get to see her. (Yes, I realize the irony of writing a post concerning lost time with my wife while she is upstairs, but bare with me)

So, I need to make a choice now. I have no disillusions about what the most important parts of my life are and who the most important people in my life are, but it is time I start acting like it. Friendships are important, but Jessica has to come first. My teaching for Sunday school is an enriching and important part of my life, but Jessica has to come first. My job pays the bills and keeps food on the table, but Jessica has to come first.

Jessica is the completion of my very being. She is worth my attention and my love and my time.

She is worth dying for.

She is worth it for me to lay down my life, to die to my own desires, so that she might know her amazing worth.

I write this mostly more for me, but in truth, that was the point of this blog in the first place...to put my thoughts out there so I could reflect on them and do the things I know I should do. It also helps to have them here, open to the ones of people who also read these thoughts and make me accountable to someone other than myself.

Finding Joy

I have been teaching about joy this month, finding ways to be happy in God even when things don't go your way. It is more than a little ironic that I've had such a hard time staying joyful lately. My days are not filled with gloom by any means, but I have had more than my share of moments where I just want to shut down. Moments where I just want to be alone and allowed to stare at nothing without being asked why. I don't want to talk about it. I don't know how to verbalize what I'm feeling. I just want to be invisible for a little while...

The future gives me pause. I don't know where I'm going and I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I feel my heart pulling me in too many directions trying to connect and reconnect and console and encourage and teach and follow and listen and learn, but I end up not doing any of them well. Tonight I feel lousy, as a father, a husband, a son, a brother, and a friend.

But the things that God has provided still anchor me; my amazing wife and beautiful child, my family and friends, and the sacrifice that God made for me is enough to make me realize my worth again. So, I'll move forward. I'll find ways to be happy in God because He is a good and faithful God, whose guidance will lead me on my journey towards understanding.

Stupid Plastic Card

All things come to an end.  Gone are the days of disposable income, or perhaps more appropriately, gone are the days of waste-able income.  That is really all I did when I was feeling a little down or something shiny caught my eye or I was in a good mood.  Pretty much anytime I felt like it really, I would just blow money on things I didn't need and ultimately didn't even want.  I would never allow myself to carry cash.  That was always a guaranteed way to get the economy stimulated..giving me cash money.  For me personally, it is better to have all cash put away where I can't see it.  I see stacks of money and I want to give it to people who will give me things like movies and candy and video games.  I have gift cards collecting dust because if I use them, they are gone.  Something about them makes me want to get something really good, because they are gifts.  I can't use them to get something practical, I don't want practical things for my birthday or Christmas.  So instead I hang on to these little pieces of plastic and stare and things that might be cool to have, yet I'm afraid that once I turn over my gift card for this latest ware, they will bring out the real latest and greatest techno gadget that does twice as much for half the price.  So, I keep my little plastic card.  Who knows, maybe someday they will have a cooler looking gift card I can buy with it.

Namesake

"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." ~John 3:16 NLT

A great man passed away yesterday and heart aches at the thought of it. I don't mourn his release from the pain he endured the last several days, weeks and even months. There is reason to feel great joy at his passing because of my faith in God and his promise for the future. The moments I will mourn are those that were lost. What a loss to not have the opportunity to visit with him more and play cards with him and laugh with him anymore. My daughter will miss the great opportunity to grow up with her great great grandfather in her life and to listen to his sea stories.

His memory lives on though and his name lives on as well. Our daughter carries it to honor him and remember him. So now I look forward to hearing the stories of his life through his family...my family. I look forward and smile at the thought of a time when I can tell Olivia McKay about her great great grandfather, David McKay.

Square Pie

As if in sequence with the seasons, the thoughts of how my life is changing have arrived. I see all these new opportunities and challenges ahead. I see new friendships blossoming and old friendships reemerging from a their long silence. The ever-evolving work environment brings new responsibilities and new frustrations. The pace of life in general has quickened. In church, a year of teaching and storytelling is screaming by and soon it will come to pause long enough for me to catch my breath and think about where I'll be next year.

Part of me wants to explore new areas of growth and part of me just wants to keep everything the same. I want to grow a family in the church and I want to recommit myself to my own biological family. My daughter is growing before my eyes and I have decisions to make that will affect both of us. I feel a tug from all directions and pressure on all sides. There are so many good things laid out in front of me, but trying to pick them all up will leave me fumbling and ultimately empty handed. The thing is, no one is pressuring me to do things or tugging me away from certain areas except me. I'm trying too hard to control my destiny. I'm trying too hard to get people to like me and I'm not trusting that those people I interact with actually care about me. There is too much clutter in my mind right now and I can't focus on the most important thing. I need to take my time more. I need to relax more. I need to let people come to me if they want to and I need to be okay with it when they don't. I need to let God shape my life, my whole life and I need to understand that the life God has planned, looks completely different from what I'd expect.

Who is my family?

In the sermon today, the relationship with fellow Christians was talked about and how we should treat one another...like family. As the pastor gave his examples of brotherly kindness and how we should do what a good family would do, I was forced to question whether I would do these things for my real family. I have begun to question the importance of family and what it means to be a family.

While my immediate family life is strong, my extended family for the most part is distant and in some cases unknown to me. I have never counted it as a loss not knowing my grandparents. I know that to some of you that is an incredible and heartbreaking statement, but one I have never met, one died before I can remember, one's toxic relationship with my mother caused a rift and the other just never seemed to care for me like you expect a grandmother should. I see how my mother dotes over her grandchildren and how she spoils them with love and praise as every grandmother has a right to do.

Although I still struggle in every part of my life, strengthening my family bonds seems like an important piece to focus on right now. I am not even sure what that means, but it is a journey I don't have to take alone.

Proud to be...

a Child of God
a Husband to Jessica
a Father to Olivia

a Son
a Brother
a Familiar Friend
a New Friend
a Lover
a Partner
a Teacher
a Listener
a Private Dancer
a Storyteller

Despite my shortfalls and in spite of my own poor self-image, I have so many people in my life that make me proud to be me. God made me who I am and it was not by accident. He made me exactly who He wanted me to be and I am proud of the life and lives he has honored me with.

Daddy's Yawn

There are a few things that entertain Olivia. Her mommy's goofy baby-talk voice, her daddy's guitar strumming and doing squat thrusts are a some. Seeing her daddy's gaping maw as he yawns is one of them as well.
I guess that is why she like to wake me up every so often on the weekends at unholy hours of the morning. As my eyes droop and fight to stay open, she smiles and kicks her feet in success. I do love to see her smile though...even if it is from something I do involuntarily.

Baby Dedication

On February 10, we dedicated Olivia to the Lord and our own lives to helping her grow in Him. This is our blessing to her...

Olivia, you have brought so much joy and wholeness into my life. I am so honored and moved to be your mother. Your existence has already allowed me to see God’s love in a whole new way and I know he will continue to make me a better woman and mother through the lessons that he will teach me through you.

Olivia, from the moment I saw that little blue line my heart awakened to a new world of love and joy. As you have grown, so to has my faith in God and my understanding of my soul. God has blessed me so richly with my life, with your mother’s life, and now with your life. Your arrival has helped me become a better man, a better husband and a better Christian.

You are a true gift from God and we know that your presence will continue to be such a blessing in our lives and those around you as you grow physically and spiritually. We want so much to show you the love and faith you need to not only live your life, but to flourish in it. We pray that someday you will come to know Jesus in a deep and real way as your savior, and comforter, and your best friend.

No matter what life brings, we hope that through our example you will see that God can be trusted. As we try our best to show you God’s goodness, we pray that you are able to be a reflection of the amazing and generous God. We pray that your heart will beat with His and that others may have the extraordinary opportunity to see Him through you.

My beautiful wife wrote most of this and I couldn't be prouder of her work in my life and our daughter's life. She is an amazing mother and spouse. I was faced with having to edit all her amazing words and thoughts about Olivia to get it to about 1 to 2 minutes, but her complete thoughts will be posted on her blog...I'll make sure of that.

Thank you all for your prayers and God Bless!

Olivia Beret

Someday she will get her revenge. Olivia develops her hand-eye coordination and strengthens her neck and legs in anticipation of her eventual triumph. Her mind is no doubt racing with plots of our downfall. One day, she will make us pay for what we've done!

Until that day comes, however, she will just have to endure mommy and daddy's dress-up time.

1000 Words Are Not Enough

Cute as a Button

Finally my little girl's got a shiny new belly button. It was on backorder I guess because it took nearly four weeks! Whew, I'm glad that wait is over though. Now she can take full blown baths instead of the pseudo sponge baths we've been giving her.

Wanting Not to Want

It is tough being a recovering spoiled brat. Contentment is no easy thing to really let sink in. God has given and continues to give me so much, but I can't help but whine for more. I want more this and bigger that...'this' being money and 'that' being a TV for example for those with slightly perverse minds.

Living paycheck to paycheck is a new experience for me. I should be so happy that God provides enough every day, week, and month and I am, but I struggle to be completely happy with it. My nature is always nagging me to get more, more, more! I know the lie that if I just get this one more thing, I'll be happy, but that realization doesn't silence the beast.

Why can't I just be content with everything I have, especially when I know how lucky and blessed I am? Every day I feel like I couldn't ask for more, but I still do. It is a hard lesson to learn, but I do thank God that He is patient enough and gracious enough to teach me. Perhaps I can focus not being content on not being content...sorta like fighting fire with fire.

You Come for the Crying, but You Stay for the Cuteness

After off and on success with little Olivia sleeping through the night, and the impending doom of Jess returning to work in as little as three weeks, the time has come to start putting her on a schedule. Honestly, even if Jess wasn't going back to work, the current way of doing things just wouldn't be healthy anyway. I have every confidence that once Olivia adjusts to this schedule, she will be happier... and so will we. One of the problems will be keeping mommy, and mommy keeping daddy, from rushing to the rescue when she cries during her scheduled sleep time. The other problem will be convincing Olivia, this is for her own good.

You haven't heard the last of me! I've not yet begun to fuss!

Unlearn what you have learned

This one is strong in the ways of the Force.

Things to Come

It is no wonder why I get excited about the new life I'm starting with my wife and daughter and I can't help think about the things to come and new challenges and adventures. I'm like that...ever imaging how great the next phase in my life will be. I dream about coming home to a little girl smiling and yelling, "Daddy, Daddy!" as she greets me at the door with a hug. It is a great dream and such an amazing thing to hope for and look forward to, but I have to remind myself to slow down. I can't allow myself to fast forward through my life. There is so much I have right here, right now. The precious moments I get to hold my little girl in my arms are so few and I need to remember to cherish them before they are gone.

Every day I grow in love for my wife and my child. Every day I am moved at how lucky and blessed I am. Every day I must savor the moments that are happening in the here and now so as to not let my anticipation for what is to come, overshadow what is happening already.

Home at Last

Here are some pictures of Olivia's first time home...

Ahh...Peaceful Angel

Shhh...Daddy's Got You

"No More Pictures, Please!"